How To…Pick The Perfect Kids’ Lingerie

It’s a fashion armageddon in this life, ladies and every day is the of the day of judgement at the school gates. Not sure how to get your nippers rocking the latest lingerie look? Never fear, we’ve got the skinny on top junior fashion hot off the press. Follow my advice and soon your kids will be sporting the hippest trends on the market.

Money money money! Trying to balance those household books is tougher than a tightrope walk on acid isn’t it? If thriftiness is your priority, follow my example and use hand-me-downs. When she was born, our lovely Jemima simply borrowed the cat’s lingerie. If I’m honest, it never really suited her. But like you we thought, ‘What the hell, it’s important that she looks good for all her friends at nursery!’

These days of course it’s easier, she’s grown into Buster the dog’s undies, which are a much more flattering fit. Plus, there’s the added benefit that it’s all pink—as her mother I can now bask in the rose tinted glow of the compliments she receives. No-one would ever guess that they’re second hand outfits, and those few good friends I have confided in are so impressed!

‘E.G.,’ they say, how ever did you come up with such a simple and cost-effective idea?’ Well, that’s why I have an advice column and you don’t, I think. ‘Who knows?’ I say airily, marking down yet another triumph for my fashion skillz.

So how can you get ahead of the curve on this new fashion? Frankly, you’ve missed the boat on toddler lingerie. It’s out there. By next week, everyone’s going to be wearing it under their Boden Mini outfits, so I’m going to let you into a secret. Hush now, come closer and get your digits dancing on that dial: umbilical fashion is the next big thing.

Oh no? Oh yes. I’ve got five fingers and a handful of toes on the Mummyhood pulse and the umbilical fashion hoofbeats have been gathering pace for some time. This is fashion at the bleeding edge, and I’m going to clue you, ordinary Jo-Schmo into the industry secrets.

Festooned with ribbons, snug in little jumpers, the umbilical cord is the latest space for a woman to express her taste and cash. Many private midwives have already received special colour consultant training. They select ribbons specially matched to your complexion and plait them around the cord before it’s cut. Trust me, it won’t be long before it’s all over the NHS.

Nothing looks more beautiful above your new baby’s cot than the shrivelled cord strung with colourful ribbons. Hell, if you feel the urge, add some umbili-bunting. No-one ever won a fashion award by holding themselves back!

For one lucky reader we have a special chance to win a fabulous prize. If you’re expecting and due to drop in the next two weeks, we’re looking for one lady and her vulva to feature in next month’s special feature on umbilical fashions. Would you like to win the opportunity for us to come and style your birth? Just send us a note explaining how you’d be perfect, along with a full length photo of you and your partner. The winner will be announced next week.

That’s all from me this week ladies, can’t wait to see all your gorgeous entries. Until next time.

E.G. xx

About: E. G. Cosh suckles at the bleeding edge of fashion, and still gets her clothes brilliant white on a 30 degree wash. Go figure! Do you have any womanly problems she can help you with? You can follow her tweets at, or read her blog at For God’s sake don’t send her any real pictures.

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